THE PROFANE

Outside of the doctor’s office: “I’m so fucking tired of dealing with these fucking people that I want to stab and kill!”

On the street: “Oh gee Carlos, thanks for the shitty fucking Snickers!”

On Bondi Beach, Sydney: “I’m her boyfriend, Liberace. Now get a focking haircut and fock off.”

On the bus, woman talking on the phone: “Here is the fuckery of fuckeries: we have to accommodate Deborah.”

THE LOVERS

On the train: Him: “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.” Her (heavy sigh): “It’s OKAY. I just don’t wanna make an app with you.”

In Manhattan’s home-goods district: Very-pleased-with-himself guy to his girlfriend: “It’s not called the COMPLAINER store!”

Stranger to couple in bar: “You need to celebrate each other every day, not just the 4th of July!”

On the train: Woman: “I have ravioli in my fridge.” Man: “That sounds good. I have a popsicle.”

OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY

On the bus: “So you open the vagina with a speculum, and you’re wearing a kind of miner’s light…”

On the bus, continued: “We’re testing the specul-cam, but that’s more Steve’s shit, the cervix.”

Barista behind the counter, muttering as if it’s a curse word: “Bob Saget, Bob Saget, Bob Saget…”

TRAVELING

On the train, Sydney: “It’s where they breed chihuahuas with double chins.”

In Australia, woman discussing a trip to America: “…and they were sitting around this pot of ORANGE cheese stuff and all dipping pretzels in it…”

RELIGION:

On Lexington Ave: “But my First Communion doesn’t count if I threw up the wafer!”

On the street, man into his phone: “Hi Nick, it’s Michael from the trip to the Virgin Mary…”

COSTUMES

On Halloween: A middle-aged man in a graduation cap and gown shouting “Ho ho ho!”

On the street: “You want to maybe paint your face like a scary bitch also?”

On the street: “So the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man was walking down Central Park West…”

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

On the street: “I really can’t understand you. Is there a time I can call back when you’re not on medication? Really.”

On the street: “They aren’t selling the hand, you idiot! They’re selling the ring. What is wrong with you?”

AMBIGUITY

On the train, not sad about either his eyes or maybe all of his friends and acquaintances’ phone numbers: “I lost my contacts…not a big deal.”

Man on the street to his friend, discussing fruit or maybe zombies: “Yeah, he got it right before it turned.”

On the street, regarding dogs or maybe boyfriends: “James fucking hates being washed.” “Oh, Ben doesn’t mind.”

On the train, talking about his pet or maybe lover: “I love heavy-lidded eyes, or hooded eyes. That’s why I like this crow.”

In a restaurant, describing…something: “…and he bought a float with a seesaw wiener on it…it was like burning man with liederhosen…”

In the elevator, man turning to me as if he’s about to say, “You have a good day!” but instead says “You have…a lot of keys.”

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Part II. For part one, see here.

12- and 13-year-olds:

Me to Latin student: “In ancient Rome female roles were usually played by men.”        Student: “Oh, so they were drag queens.”

Student, writing a poem about penguins and making a simile about tuxedos: “Well, often when getting married the guy has regrets.”

“I always get JFK and FDR confused because the FDR road goes to JFK airport.”

Student, honking very stuffed nose: “Look. It’s a trumpet.”                                           Me: “Uh-huh.”                                                                                                               Student: “You’re not a fan of the soundtrack, huh?”

14- and 15-year-olds:

Student, explaining tardiness: “I got hit by a car and rolled down a hill!” (Starbucks drink was unharmed and unspilled)

Me: “0-7 pH is acidic. 7-14 is basic. 7 is neutral, and the human body is close to 7.”      Student: “I’m probably basic.”

16- and 17-year-olds:

Student, explaining functions: “X input can’t have multiple Y outputs, because X can’t be a pimp.”

Me to student: “Did you find your essay on your desk?”                                               Student: “No, but I found this loaf of bread on my way to my room!” (holds it up)

Student, as I was leaving: “Did you know that you’re part of my elf army?”

Me to student: “Any other questions?” (About that/who/which)                                     Student: “No. Oh! I do have a random question.”                                                            Me: “Yes?”                                                                                                                Student: “So, poison…”

“I imagine you getting my SAT score while wearing a Victorian dress, and then fainting. Maybe untying it from the leg of a crow.”

“Claire, I don’t envy your position. I wouldn’t want to deal with myself.”

Me to student: “Junior year is rough. I remember.”                                                       Student: “Don’t try to empathize with me!”

Me, noticing student staring intently at me: “Do you have a question?”                       Student: “No, I was making a plan for how to steal your hat.”

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A multi-part list by age, collected over years (note: it is intentional that these are all from different years and that things like gender and specific age aren’t given, just to further ensure anonymity).

8- and 9-year-olds:

“That’s really arrogant!” –in response to Purell’s claim that it can kill 99.9% of germs.

“I don’t need water…I’m a free rannnnnnnnnnge chicken!”–after the mom asked, “Do you want some water?”

Line from a book for fourth graders about a dog traveling w/Lewis and Clark: “New fur covered the scar where Seaman’s beaver wound had been.”

Me to student: “Have you ever been to Ellis Island?”                                               Student: “Well no but I have been to a golf course called Ellis Island mini-golf.”

Me to student: “Do you know what a terrace is?”                                                           Student: “Someone that kills people.”

Student, reading aloud: “The mariachi would never refuse her.”                                     Me: “…matriarch.”                                                                                                       Student: “Maybe they have a band.”

10- and 11-year-olds:

Student, examining pencil markings on the desk: “Hey, it looks like the breast cancer ribbon!”

Me to student: “An independent variable is a variable that you can manipulate.”         Student: “That’s not very nice to the variable.”

Student: “Can I do something funny to you?”                                                                 Me: “Uh, probably not.”                                                                                                 Student: “Oh, so you’re not a laughing kind of person?”

Student, drawing a cartoon person: “My people skills have really improved!”

Student, talking about daylight savings: “I like the fall back. The dark is fun. (Pause) I’m not trying to be a downer or anything.”

Student, working on math definitions: “Sum–the answer to an addiction problem.”

Student, looking at messy handwriting: “I think I was on crack. A crack. In the table.”

Student, being tutored via Skype: “Brace yourself, Claire.”                                               Me: “What?”                                                                                                               Student (opening a new tab): “I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR WHOLE FACE!”

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