Starting a group home for wayward parentheticals that have never been closed.
Memorizing all of the area codes in the United States.
Documenting every instance someone on the internet has stated, “I’m balling my eyes out!”
Octopus yoga.
Overheard on the…
THE PROFANE
Outside of the doctor’s office: “I’m so fucking tired of dealing with these fucking people that I want to stab and kill!”
On the street: “Oh gee Carlos, thanks for the shitty fucking Snickers!”
On Bondi Beach, Sydney: “I’m her boyfriend, Liberace. Now get a focking haircut and fock off.”
On the bus, woman talking on the phone: “Here is the fuckery of fuckeries: we have to accommodate Deborah.”
THE LOVERS
On the train: Him: “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.” Her (heavy sigh): “It’s OKAY. I just don’t wanna make an app with you.”
In Manhattan’s home-goods district: Very-pleased-with-himself guy to his girlfriend: “It’s not called the COMPLAINER store!”
Stranger to couple in bar: “You need to celebrate each other every day, not just the 4th of July!”
On the train: Woman: “I have ravioli in my fridge.” Man: “That sounds good. I have a popsicle.”
OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY
On the bus: “So you open the vagina with a speculum, and you’re wearing a kind of miner’s light…”
On the bus, continued: “We’re testing the specul-cam, but that’s more Steve’s shit, the cervix.”
Barista behind the counter, muttering as if it’s a curse word: “Bob Saget, Bob Saget, Bob Saget…”
TRAVELING
On the train, Sydney: “It’s where they breed chihuahuas with double chins.”
In Australia, woman discussing a trip to America: “…and they were sitting around this pot of ORANGE cheese stuff and all dipping pretzels in it…”
RELIGION:
On Lexington Ave: “But my First Communion doesn’t count if I threw up the wafer!”
On the street, man into his phone: “Hi Nick, it’s Michael from the trip to the Virgin Mary…”
COSTUMES
On Halloween: A middle-aged man in a graduation cap and gown shouting “Ho ho ho!”
On the street: “You want to maybe paint your face like a scary bitch also?”
On the street: “So the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man was walking down Central Park West…”
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
On the street: “I really can’t understand you. Is there a time I can call back when you’re not on medication? Really.”
On the street: “They aren’t selling the hand, you idiot! They’re selling the ring. What is wrong with you?”
AMBIGUITY
On the train, not sad about either his eyes or maybe all of his friends and acquaintances’ phone numbers: “I lost my contacts…not a big deal.”
Man on the street to his friend, discussing fruit or maybe zombies: “Yeah, he got it right before it turned.”
On the street, regarding dogs or maybe boyfriends: “James fucking hates being washed.” “Oh, Ben doesn’t mind.”
On the train, talking about his pet or maybe lover: “I love heavy-lidded eyes, or hooded eyes. That’s why I like this crow.”
In a restaurant, describing…something: “…and he bought a float with a seesaw wiener on it…it was like burning man with liederhosen…”
In the elevator, man turning to me as if he’s about to say, “You have a good day!” but instead says “You have…a lot of keys.”
On Spam
I love checking my website admin page for comments. It’s like checking the mail; there’s always the chance that you get a real message from someone, but even if not, you might get a catalog that passes the time adequately, or online, your spam checker might catch something like this:
“There are four form of birds inside your yard:
The ones that summer along, those who spend the wintertime along (since you are warmer), the temporary ones (like
migrating thru), then your permanent ones which you have year around.
Using an infant bottle brush, scrub inside the feeder then rinse them thoroughly before refilling them.
Hummingbird tattoos sneaking through low-cut jeans is both mysterious and tempting.”
Line breaks left exactly as written…and this was a “response” to my post on enjambment.
Things My Students Have Said, Part 2
Part II. For part one, see here.
12- and 13-year-olds:
Me to Latin student: “In ancient Rome female roles were usually played by men.” Student: “Oh, so they were drag queens.”
Student, writing a poem about penguins and making a simile about tuxedos: “Well, often when getting married the guy has regrets.”
“I always get JFK and FDR confused because the FDR road goes to JFK airport.”
Student, honking very stuffed nose: “Look. It’s a trumpet.” Me: “Uh-huh.” Student: “You’re not a fan of the soundtrack, huh?”
14- and 15-year-olds:
Student, explaining tardiness: “I got hit by a car and rolled down a hill!” (Starbucks drink was unharmed and unspilled)
Me: “0-7 pH is acidic. 7-14 is basic. 7 is neutral, and the human body is close to 7.” Student: “I’m probably basic.”
16- and 17-year-olds:
Student, explaining functions: “X input can’t have multiple Y outputs, because X can’t be a pimp.”
Me to student: “Did you find your essay on your desk?” Student: “No, but I found this loaf of bread on my way to my room!” (holds it up)
Student, as I was leaving: “Did you know that you’re part of my elf army?”
Me to student: “Any other questions?” (About that/who/which) Student: “No. Oh! I do have a random question.” Me: “Yes?” Student: “So, poison…”
“I imagine you getting my SAT score while wearing a Victorian dress, and then fainting. Maybe untying it from the leg of a crow.”
“Claire, I don’t envy your position. I wouldn’t want to deal with myself.”
Me to student: “Junior year is rough. I remember.” Student: “Don’t try to empathize with me!”
Me, noticing student staring intently at me: “Do you have a question?” Student: “No, I was making a plan for how to steal your hat.”
Things My Students Have Said, Part 1
A multi-part list by age, collected over years (note: it is intentional that these are all from different years and that things like gender and specific age aren’t given, just to further ensure anonymity).
8- and 9-year-olds:
“That’s really arrogant!” –in response to Purell’s claim that it can kill 99.9% of germs.
“I don’t need water…I’m a free rannnnnnnnnnge chicken!”–after the mom asked, “Do you want some water?”
Line from a book for fourth graders about a dog traveling w/Lewis and Clark: “New fur covered the scar where Seaman’s beaver wound had been.”
Me to student: “Have you ever been to Ellis Island?” Student: “Well no but I have been to a golf course called Ellis Island mini-golf.”
Me to student: “Do you know what a terrace is?” Student: “Someone that kills people.”
Student, reading aloud: “The mariachi would never refuse her.” Me: “…matriarch.” Student: “Maybe they have a band.”
10- and 11-year-olds:
Student, examining pencil markings on the desk: “Hey, it looks like the breast cancer ribbon!”
Me to student: “An independent variable is a variable that you can manipulate.” Student: “That’s not very nice to the variable.”
Student: “Can I do something funny to you?” Me: “Uh, probably not.” Student: “Oh, so you’re not a laughing kind of person?”
Student, drawing a cartoon person: “My people skills have really improved!”
Student, talking about daylight savings: “I like the fall back. The dark is fun. (Pause) I’m not trying to be a downer or anything.”
Student, working on math definitions: “Sum–the answer to an addiction problem.”
Student, looking at messy handwriting: “I think I was on crack. A crack. In the table.”
Student, being tutored via Skype: “Brace yourself, Claire.” Me: “What?” Student (opening a new tab): “I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR WHOLE FACE!”
Halloween
I tend toward the overly ambitious and also procrastinatory when it comes to costumes. Sometimes the best ones come from waiting until the last minute and seeing what there is in the costume box (yes, I have a costume box. I enjoy a good theme party and also not getting rid of things).
In the end I was BMO from Adventure time, and spent only $7.
All of the things I wanted to be for Halloween:
- A butterfly or fish caught in a net
- Mrs. Frizzle
- Fruit on the bottom yogurt
- A menagerie
- Guess Who Cards
- Panda nesting dolls
It’s never too early to start for next year!
Technology Metaphor of the Week // 10
I’m doing a reading this Sunday that’s organized around the theme of technology…so I’m HOARDING all my metaphors for then!
Or you might say I’m bookmarking them…but that would be fairly uninspired. Let’s say I’m dropping a pin on each one. Is that one of those metaphors that has bounced back (PINGED BACK) and forth from analog to technological back to analog? That is, did people literally stick pins in things that they wanted to remember, and that led to the Google maps function of dropping a pin in (on?) something?
And if so, do we use the phrase “dropping a pin”/”putting a pin in it” differently than we used to when we were thumbtacking things to bulletin boards or whatever? I mean: is this like translating something from English to Latin and then back to English again?
Technology Metaphor of the Week // 09
The other night one of my roommates was complaining (rightfully!) about auto-play videos on news sites. I was in the other room so I didn’t see if it was an auto-play video that actually showed the news, or an ad. Either way, it’s intrusive, and according to what I’ve read, not going to disappear no matter how much we bemoan it.
A few days later my other roommate went to a website to try to find information about internet rates (or something along those lines) and a chat window popped up in the bottom corner of his screen with the message “Hi! What can I help you with?” He recoiled and, I think, wanted to slam his laptop shut. Those chat windows–which always seem to pop up when you’re surfing somewhere you don’t want to be on in the first place, like an insurance website–make me much more jumpy than auto-play videos, because they present the illusion of requiring interaction, rather than just requesting viewing. If a video on auto-play is someone knocking on your door repeatedly, or turning up to tell you something, the pop-up chat box is someone coming over Kramer-style and refusing to leave.
For my part I never mind when videos auto-play IF they also auto-mute…just as I wouldn’t turn away a mime if one showed up at my apartment door (someone test me on that, please). The chat box is more invasive. I already hate it enough when my phone rings–and I only know it’s ringing if I happen to be looking at it; CLEARLY I keep it on silent–I don’t need another source of uncertainty (as Dorothy Parker supposedly said when the phone rang, “What fresh hell is this?”).
…my videos aren’t on auto-play, right? I wouldn’t want to breach your castle walls.
Technology Metaphor of the Week // 08
From the brilliant Andre 3000:
“If you got riches you got glitches. If you got glitches in your life computer turn it off and then reboot and then you’re back on”
(from “Millionaire” with Kelis)
Technology Metaphor of the Week // 07
A sampling of how this week’s technology metaphor, “Leveling up,” (birthplace: video games) is used across genres….
“Leveling Up: Career Advancement for Software Developers”
“Leveling up. Getting even with your friends in terms of the blood alcohol level.”
“In order to level up you need to work out for an hour a day, save a quarter of your paycheck, and read a book a week.”
Urban Dictionary tells me it’s also used as a reference to tripping on mushrooms, and that that’s a wink to Mario…but doesn’t a mushroom in Mario world cause a power up, not a level up? Mixed metaphors! There is no leveling up in Mario, at least in the versions I’ve played.
“Powering up” would definitely make more sense as a coffee reference. You can attain it over and over again and it doesn’t stem from or lead to any permanent gain in experience or ability.
PS …stem from. I might switch to botany metaphors after a while here.
PPS I wonder if Windows XP was an attempt at making a gaming reference?
