THE PROFANE
Outside of the doctor’s office: “I’m so fucking tired of dealing with these fucking people that I want to stab and kill!”
On the street: “Oh gee Carlos, thanks for the shitty fucking Snickers!”
On Bondi Beach, Sydney: “I’m her boyfriend, Liberace. Now get a focking haircut and fock off.”
On the bus, woman talking on the phone: “Here is the fuckery of fuckeries: we have to accommodate Deborah.”
THE LOVERS
On the train: Him: “I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.” Her (heavy sigh): “It’s OKAY. I just don’t wanna make an app with you.”
In Manhattan’s home-goods district: Very-pleased-with-himself guy to his girlfriend: “It’s not called the COMPLAINER store!”
Stranger to couple in bar: “You need to celebrate each other every day, not just the 4th of July!”
On the train: Woman: “I have ravioli in my fridge.” Man: “That sounds good. I have a popsicle.”
OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY
On the bus: “So you open the vagina with a speculum, and you’re wearing a kind of miner’s light…”
On the bus, continued: “We’re testing the specul-cam, but that’s more Steve’s shit, the cervix.”
Barista behind the counter, muttering as if it’s a curse word: “Bob Saget, Bob Saget, Bob Saget…”
TRAVELING
On the train, Sydney: “It’s where they breed chihuahuas with double chins.”
In Australia, woman discussing a trip to America: “…and they were sitting around this pot of ORANGE cheese stuff and all dipping pretzels in it…”
RELIGION:
On Lexington Ave: “But my First Communion doesn’t count if I threw up the wafer!”
On the street, man into his phone: “Hi Nick, it’s Michael from the trip to the Virgin Mary…”
COSTUMES
On Halloween: A middle-aged man in a graduation cap and gown shouting “Ho ho ho!”
On the street: “You want to maybe paint your face like a scary bitch also?”
On the street: “So the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man was walking down Central Park West…”
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
On the street: “I really can’t understand you. Is there a time I can call back when you’re not on medication? Really.”
On the street: “They aren’t selling the hand, you idiot! They’re selling the ring. What is wrong with you?”
AMBIGUITY
On the train, not sad about either his eyes or maybe all of his friends and acquaintances’ phone numbers: “I lost my contacts…not a big deal.”
Man on the street to his friend, discussing fruit or maybe zombies: “Yeah, he got it right before it turned.”
On the street, regarding dogs or maybe boyfriends: “James fucking hates being washed.” “Oh, Ben doesn’t mind.”
On the train, talking about his pet or maybe lover: “I love heavy-lidded eyes, or hooded eyes. That’s why I like this crow.”
In a restaurant, describing…something: “…and he bought a float with a seesaw wiener on it…it was like burning man with liederhosen…”
In the elevator, man turning to me as if he’s about to say, “You have a good day!” but instead says “You have…a lot of keys.”
