On Amtrak (regrettably, not in the quiet car):
One side of a conversation:
Hiiiii. Where are you? I wanted to see you guys and say hi.
There’s something in your butt?
Yeah, we went shopping and she tried on a bunch of dresses but she really liked the third one.
Stop scratching! Do you have lice?
Anyway, the dress is really beautiful.
(She got off the phone and said to her seatmate: You’re so cute that you don’t need exact change. I think she meant “it’s so cute that you don’t care if you have exact change” but WHO KNOWS.)
While tutoring:
Student, doing geometry: A triangle has two legs.
<pause>
Student: I have two legs!
On the train:
Look, there’s method man. I used to think he was a badass motherfucker. Now he’s just an old man.
On that same train:
I can tell you right now, I won’t be taking Tums tonight.
Apparently everyone on the G train was super old that day.
