I used to read various slush piles in several past lives, and I kept a running list of some of the more memorable opening lines, final enjoinders, or premises for novels/books of nonfiction/short stories. (There used to be/still is an archive of an anonymous tumbler along these lines–though no longer active, it’s still funny: http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/)
Some people had questions or proposals for me:
- “Have you ever seen a book for lay adults about the human colon?”
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“We are in the making of a diet book and my partner and I are looking for a literacy agent.”
Others had facts about themselves:
- “There are some men born with such potential for greatness and perfection…that they are already born circumcised”
- “For twenty-five years, I was involved with the sport of thoroughbred racing-pigeons”
- “My credibility begins at birth”
- “I am a former pubic relations writer”
- “I have a great love for Siamese cats and have trained several over the years to be my bodyguards.”
Or their books:
- “This book is for young adults/children None-Fiction.”
- “I would like to inform you that the manuscript is currently going through editing and reversion in the Spanish virgin, English is complete.”
- “My work is in the Fiction gender”
- “Strikingly different to much contemporary fiction as it is without fowl language”
And when I declined to see more, some people were not happy:
- “Knowing the cause of Cancer isn’t right for you, huh.”
- “By the way, Claire is a beautiful name, that is if you’re an overweight, 57 year old virgin who has no taste in books and who uses the grease under her arm pits to cook her morning bacon in, to feed and nourish your also overweight and unfathomably ugly lesbian lover who happens to be celibate…agh, enough with my outlandish, creative, incredibly clever, overly thought out insults, let me just say that I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”
- (sent on Christmas Eve) “You still haven’t responded to me. I’m starting to think this is what I think it is…Someone will be by your apartment to pick up my manuscript…you will recognize him, his name is Eli!!”
- “”I suppose you would prefer some tripe written by Charley Sheen about his drug problems.”
- “”Pull your head out of your butt. This is going to be a bestseller.”
- “I’m sure your incompetence will serve you well in corporate America.”
Alas, many of the most hilarious had to do with the content of the proposed book/story, and are too specific to share. But they live on in my dreams!
